明白了，我爱乐娟，只爱她。就算也许她真的对我没感觉甚至厌恶我，我爱她。
明了了这一点，心里舒畅多了。娟，你好吗？
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The Invitation
这篇是一篇摘抄，看到这样一篇，思想与我的如此相似，难免激动。
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart't longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planet are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or face it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
所以，做一个真实的自己，一个真正的自己。
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart't longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planet are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or face it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
所以，做一个真实的自己，一个真正的自己。
Sunday, November 4, 2007
再见，朋友
那天我的一个朋友突然欣喜地告诉我，新加坡企业奖学金的考试他通过了。
其实心里一直明白，以他的实力只要想去，新加坡那考试他一定能通过，但到底就要分别了，心里有些难以接受。高中三年我和他一起走过，高三最后那段日子我们成了要好的朋友，高考时我们又考进了同一所大学，同一个学院。按他的说法这是缘分，我笑话他看佛家的书走火入魔了。
是的，他的思想中有很多佛家的成分，就像我偏好道家的书一样。虽然旁人总说佛道都是一路的隐遁思想，但我和他却从未真正在思想上统一过。
他追求“随缘”，我只是“随性”。
毕业的时候，他独自坐在教室的一个角落，只在有人找他说话时他才与他们聊上几句；我则一会儿窜到人群里和他们一阵调侃，一时间突然想到要和三年来静静听着我的每一句牢骚，陪伴我，给我依靠的树道个别，便风风火火冲出了教室。
他的ＱＱ空间内容总是很少，更多时候他还会把空间注销，因为他害怕有所牵挂不能保持心境的平静；我则一时一天一篇地写个没完，一会儿一连一个月一笔不动，一时很细致地对每篇留言写回复，一会儿为了挽留一些对我来说珍贵的印迹，将空间一封就是一星期。
他说太多的喜怒只是徒伤身心，得到的人应无嗔无喜万事随缘；我说“有”“无”生自于道，不经历“有”“无”不感悟喜怒就无法体味道的实质。
有次我们在网上谈到这个问题，你一句来我一句往，谁也说服不了谁。最后他放手随缘，我则随着自己的性子不想再强求，关了对话框整自己的空间。
我们两个，一个随性，一个随缘，却并肩走过了高中，走进了大学。
我们还一起报名参加了新加坡奖学金项目，一起通过了预选。他参加是因为有机会能抓住何不试试；我参加是因为当初认为在那全球排名前五十的学校里我肯定能更容易地实现自己的梦想。
同时通过预选的我们都很开心，想不到我们这两个新型完全相反的人居然会一起走这么远。按他的说法这是缘分……
近乎疯狂地查了很多关于新加坡大学的资料后，我对那个奖学金的认识也一点点加深了，渐渐我发觉事实是那个奖学金和我的梦想是完全不相容的，如果加入了那个奖学金项目，我就将再也不能追求自己那个已经苦苦追了四年多的梦了。
于是我打电话到招生办要求退出，一番周折，我成功退出了，他则参加了那场考试。
考前我们用短信聊了很多次，他说他只是随便去考，考上就上，考不上就在这里读。我说以他那实力如果还考不上那考试就肯定有问题。
最后他果然考上了，他形容说是“中头彩”了，我笑着和他调侃，心里却有些发凉。终于要分别了，最终，还是要分别了。
我们两个人，一个随缘，一个随性，却一起走了这么久；我们两个人，一个随缘，一个随性，却成了要好的朋友；我们两个人，一个随缘，一个随性，多么理所当然的分别，却让我心中堵着难受……
才意识到分别的苦痛是多么难以忍受，就像眼看着天空中浮云堆叠的美好的画面随着轻风拂过再也不能看到，就像注意到树上久驻的啄木鸟和那树枝构成的别致的画面时那啄木鸟突然想要飞走却再也不能挽留。我不想再去想那些遗憾，只想逃避那隐隐的思绪。
后来他发给我一个短信，问我寝室的电话，说这样话费便宜些，希望以后常联系。我发了寝室的电话过去后加了一句“一切随缘吧”。却突然一愣，“随缘”？这是他该说的话啊。冷笑着，我删掉了本想发过去的这句话。可就在我点击“发送”的时候我才恍然意识到，原来他也把本该我说的话给说了。
还能说什么？再见吧，朋友，愿你远赴他乡求学顺利。
其实心里一直明白，以他的实力只要想去，新加坡那考试他一定能通过，但到底就要分别了，心里有些难以接受。高中三年我和他一起走过，高三最后那段日子我们成了要好的朋友，高考时我们又考进了同一所大学，同一个学院。按他的说法这是缘分，我笑话他看佛家的书走火入魔了。
是的，他的思想中有很多佛家的成分，就像我偏好道家的书一样。虽然旁人总说佛道都是一路的隐遁思想，但我和他却从未真正在思想上统一过。
他追求“随缘”，我只是“随性”。
毕业的时候，他独自坐在教室的一个角落，只在有人找他说话时他才与他们聊上几句；我则一会儿窜到人群里和他们一阵调侃，一时间突然想到要和三年来静静听着我的每一句牢骚，陪伴我，给我依靠的树道个别，便风风火火冲出了教室。
他的ＱＱ空间内容总是很少，更多时候他还会把空间注销，因为他害怕有所牵挂不能保持心境的平静；我则一时一天一篇地写个没完，一会儿一连一个月一笔不动，一时很细致地对每篇留言写回复，一会儿为了挽留一些对我来说珍贵的印迹，将空间一封就是一星期。
他说太多的喜怒只是徒伤身心，得到的人应无嗔无喜万事随缘；我说“有”“无”生自于道，不经历“有”“无”不感悟喜怒就无法体味道的实质。
有次我们在网上谈到这个问题，你一句来我一句往，谁也说服不了谁。最后他放手随缘，我则随着自己的性子不想再强求，关了对话框整自己的空间。
我们两个，一个随性，一个随缘，却并肩走过了高中，走进了大学。
我们还一起报名参加了新加坡奖学金项目，一起通过了预选。他参加是因为有机会能抓住何不试试；我参加是因为当初认为在那全球排名前五十的学校里我肯定能更容易地实现自己的梦想。
同时通过预选的我们都很开心，想不到我们这两个新型完全相反的人居然会一起走这么远。按他的说法这是缘分……
近乎疯狂地查了很多关于新加坡大学的资料后，我对那个奖学金的认识也一点点加深了，渐渐我发觉事实是那个奖学金和我的梦想是完全不相容的，如果加入了那个奖学金项目，我就将再也不能追求自己那个已经苦苦追了四年多的梦了。
于是我打电话到招生办要求退出，一番周折，我成功退出了，他则参加了那场考试。
考前我们用短信聊了很多次，他说他只是随便去考，考上就上，考不上就在这里读。我说以他那实力如果还考不上那考试就肯定有问题。
最后他果然考上了，他形容说是“中头彩”了，我笑着和他调侃，心里却有些发凉。终于要分别了，最终，还是要分别了。
我们两个人，一个随缘，一个随性，却一起走了这么久；我们两个人，一个随缘，一个随性，却成了要好的朋友；我们两个人，一个随缘，一个随性，多么理所当然的分别，却让我心中堵着难受……
才意识到分别的苦痛是多么难以忍受，就像眼看着天空中浮云堆叠的美好的画面随着轻风拂过再也不能看到，就像注意到树上久驻的啄木鸟和那树枝构成的别致的画面时那啄木鸟突然想要飞走却再也不能挽留。我不想再去想那些遗憾，只想逃避那隐隐的思绪。
后来他发给我一个短信，问我寝室的电话，说这样话费便宜些，希望以后常联系。我发了寝室的电话过去后加了一句“一切随缘吧”。却突然一愣，“随缘”？这是他该说的话啊。冷笑着，我删掉了本想发过去的这句话。可就在我点击“发送”的时候我才恍然意识到，原来他也把本该我说的话给说了。
还能说什么？再见吧，朋友，愿你远赴他乡求学顺利。
Saturday, November 3, 2007
The Autumn Leaves
只是篇英语作文，本来只是想敷衍了事的，后来一个同学跟我说他想在有感觉的时候好好写，才觉得既然是练习，也应该好好把握才对。细想了一下作文要求，发现其实“Autumn Leaves”这个题目其实和我以前的思考靠得很近，就认认真真写了一篇，并作为我的思考发到了“随感”里。
The Autumn Leaves
I love summer, love its enormous variety of colors. The colors, which burst out with the blooming flowers, wake the deepest feeling of happiness sleeping in our heart in everyday life. And that, I think, is why so many poets love writing about this flowery season, and all the flowers blooming like a dream.
Yes, the blossom is just like a dream, a beautiful dream, but it is only a dream. And a dream is no more than a way we run away from the sorrow and agony of the real world. A dream is doomed to fade, just as a flower is doomed to lose all its grace and die. And when you realize that all is just the fantasy for a short time in consolation, what else can you feel but hopeless as you are pulled back to the cruel reality again?
However, there are beauties which are not only fantasy. It's the beauty of the leaves, leaves in autumn. The autumn leaves contain within them the hope of red and scarlet splashed on a maple, the peace of light yellow and green displayed on the gingkoes and ever green trees, the ripeness and accomplishment of golden color hanging on the phoenix trees, and also the sorrow and hopeless of dark yellow and brown, which is scattered every where on the ground.
And somehow it's just like the reality, which has in itself the beauty that makes us happy, as well as sorrow and agony to balance the heart and make it sensitive to the flash of the real beauty. Our minds are always blinded by agony to the beauties in our life, but the leaves, unlike the tricky dreams, inspire your of your sense, showing you that the pain and the happiness are blended so perfectly that one can even find happiness when suffering. The leaves in autumn show us the real happiness, and show us the way to face everyday life, not to slip away.
Steping on the fallen leaves, smelling the freshened air in autumn, seeing the all encompassing scenery, have you been more clear in mind and more sensitive to just find the beauty hided in everyday routines, in real life?
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