A fantasy of home

When the dusk came, I felt so suffocated by the crowd around me that my instinct urged me to go out. And so I did. 

I wanders around the platforms atop of campus complex where the air was good. But something was missing, something I was deprived of.

I moved to a stairway where I saw the sun painting the cloud purple and black like magic. But something was missing, something I was craving for.

Finally, when the last trace of sun perished from the horizon, I wandered across a small patch of grass, and stopped at a giant tree. Refreshing dizziness took over me. and I found myself attracted to the giant figure. What attracted me? Was it the looming shadow? The ages of time it standing alone? Or was it the scent of mold that resides in it all the time? I didn't know. I couldn't think. I found myself touching the tree with my hand, sniffing on it with my nose. And the urges in me started to fade away. I sat on its root, and started talking to it, like I did to that good friend of mine back in high school. It answered, like that friend of mine did, yet in a rather mocking manner. It mocked my arrogance to think myself to be the only being trying to be its friend and reside by its side. And then, I felt something else.

A wet, linear being crawled on my foot, my leg, and then rushed up until it touched the tree again. "Sorry if I interrupted something." I stood up and smiled. It didn't answer. Rather, it continued its crawling until disappearing inside the folds of the bark again. Then I saw more of them, shadows, moving up and down the bough. And I realised that the touch of one of my fingers was actually softer than the rest. I withdrew my hand. Lit a torch light. And figured what those linear beings were and what my finger landed on--

    caterpillars.

I don't know how many of them were there, and why do they reside on the bough rather than leaves. Perhaps there is something different in their mouth that permits them to actually sip the nutrition directly from the sieve tube? And then I suddenly realised what the tree actually meant when mocking my arrogance. Though it does withstand ages of time on the grassland with few human approaching. I was a fool to think it to be alone. A bunch of creatures resides in it. And their interaction are so intimate and long-lasting that my sudden and clumsy claim of friendship appears a joke to it. What do I have to claim myself a place aside of it? What am I to it anyway? I was just a drunk lunatic, who comes and goes like wind.

And it's right. I am but a mere passerby. A nomad being with no clan, no pride to reside with. I can long for a place where I, alone, belongs to. But such is, as this time withstanding tree reveals, a mere fantasy of mine. I can stalk anywhere I please. And even have a lot of fun there. But without the capability of cherishing other beings, and being cherished by other beings. There is no home to me. And there will never be a home for me.

I left the tree, sad yet satisfied, just like how I left everything else. And I didn't look back.

Mars

Today I saw a meteor, piercing the cloud straight above my head.     Scorching the once peaceful night sky, with all its fierce glory and (a) royal hue. A Shockwaves struck me. Boiling air vaporised the dust, and fried     and shattered the ground I am standing on like hammering (a) glassy, yet bulky crust. Then there came the dizziness, stirring, boiling my vision and my blood,     as if everything was spinning and crying and torn violently apart… quietly? A fresh breeze of grassland pulled me back together, and everything hurled      Back to their original peace. Everything but the Mars, who's eternally--     Roaring and crushing from above      With all its fierce glory,      Tinged by a royal hue.

Crossing of Rubicon

After all the hesitation and anxiety, the choice is finally made. Though I chose this life as a researcher with both joy and fear, mostly fear. For better or worse, from this moment on, there will be no going back for me -- either I become a good researcher, or I perish trying. Thus for my own sake, I shall make the following pledge to myself, boosting up my resolution, at this other side of Rubicon:

I am a ph.D candidate, a theoretical researcher who's life mean nothing without creativity. I shall live my life with full dedication to my passion and love, and a constantly seek for the logic and connection behind the full variety of the world. 

Now, let's start playing.

My Venture Called Life

If there is anything I learnt for my life from my research, it'll be the realization that there is no end to knowledge. And the reason behind it is not that you can't find the boundary of it -- well, no, you can not, but that is not the point. The point is, we are exploring the knowledge in a linear(1-dimensional) manner. Yet the web of knowledge is a fractal(of dimension larger than 1). 

Looking back to the history of science. You'll find that the whole of it is a process of constant branching and intervening. The phylosophy of the ancient Greece gave birth to Physics and Mathematics, and they keep branching up into Mechanics, Electromagnetics, Optics, Algebra, Geology, Set Theory, etc. The ancient Mythology, I am definitely not a expert there, also gave birth to witchcraft, alchemy and stargazing, which then subsequently gave birth to biology, pharmacy, chemistry, astronomy and calender making. Then marriages take places. Geology marries Set Theory and gave birth to topology; Algebra marries Mechanics and gave birth to Analytical Mechanics; Mechanics marries Astronomy and gave birth to Astronophysics; Optics marries Biology and gave birth to microbiology. So on and so forth. Even to this day, science still keep branching and intervining each other to give birth to new sciences. Like the statistical physics, born in early 20th centry, has already gave birth to nonequilibrium Statistical Mechanics and Information theory. And it's children, interacting with nonlinear dynamics and biology and even social sciences, forming a field of research what we call today as complex systems.

I have never done it rigorously. But I believe that such a process can be described by an iteration of branching and intervening, which, as a matter of fact, is a basic algorithm of generating fractals. And as this fractal is generated from lines in a abstract plane, although it is hard to determine it's exact dimension, it is safe to say that it must have a dimension larger than 1. And it have infinite value if we use 1-dimension measure. And that is why we can never find the clear boundary to it, nor could we find the end of it.

No. I'm not talking science or mathematics here. What I'm really trying to say actually have nothing to do with science:

If science is a fractal and there is no clear boundary to it, why should we believe life to be otherwise and there should be a protocol to it? Why are everyone searching so hard on finding a guidelines or doctrines to it? Shouldn't life be even wider and harder to define? After all, science is nothing but a mere subset of a universe we call it life.

Usually, if there is anyone who ask me about the opinion about Confucian. I would say I'm disgusted by it. And I shall waste not a single second of my precious life to read about it. Of course some fragmented hypocritical doctrines I heard from other people is part of the reason I don't like it. But that is far from the whole story. The base line is that what Confucian actually did was putting a guide line to how a man should behave, how a woman should behave, how kings and emperor should behave, how civilian and slaves should behave. And the reason I hate it is simple. I don't want any so called "guide line" to strangle a life that should have much more to see, much wider space to stretch to, and much more facinating processes to enjoy.

We are living a life. A life that is much wider than science, much broader than science. And we are living it in a linear manner, just like researchers do in their scientifical pursuit. And if this fact means anything, it'll be that just like researchers can't find the boundaries or end to science, we also can never find a boundary or any so call "ultimacy" in our life. No one knows how a life should be like. And according to the butterfly effect from nonlinear dynamics, no one's life track can be covered again by another individual. And what does so called "guide line" do to us? It limited our life track to a certain converged trajectory, forbidding us to explore to unknown regions of life. And it keeps correcting us if we side tracked. 

Is the trajectory that guided us the best trajectory for each of our individuals? We don't know. Then why should we even follow it? Because it is set 2000 years ago? So you trust the judge of a cave man(I know they are not) more than yourself? Or is it because you saw everybody following it? Or is it because you saw some people seemingly at the end of the track glowing with a blinding halo of "success"? You think whatever works for them works for you? You think that is the only good result that can come out of a life? Come on, we are talking about life here. Something that is so ill understood, that you have pretty much no knowledge about. How can you possibly know what is good, what is not? 

It is true though. There is a practical reason for those "guidelines" to exist. Unlike scientifical pursuit, where we have higher tolerance of difficulties, life is usually less forgiving. In the journey of life, you can never go back to some point, and start over differently again. And if you find yourself trapped in a deadly trap, you will die. And as no one lives to return and tell us the story about the other side of death, we really don't want to experience that too early. We want to survive. Thus no matter how confining and strangling as it is, the doctrines do provide a guideline that ensures the survival of a significant amount of individuals. So although it doesn't necessarily mean you are one of those whose survival can be ensured by it, it's always safer for you to do the same way.

But life is, after all, much more than survival. And when survival is not an issue, when with some certainty we know that there will still be room for correction even if things go wrong, should we really still stick with the guidelines and doctrines? Should we still forcing ourselves to do something maybe everyone else around you are doing but you really don't like? Or should we... be a little bit more... individualized?

Part of the reason I don't like being with other Chinese is that they are too unified. I mean unified. They stick together, they behave the same according to certain "guidelines". And they correct each other if there is anything standing out from the unified behaviorial pattern, whether or not this unorthodox behavior is better for that individual or not. I don't know how they tolerated the whole assimilating process. But for me, it's suffocating. I would rather lead my life to be something to my own liking, enjoy what I enjoy and try things that I have few clues about. I'd like to enjoy a life of my own, having all the joyful and sorrowful surprices that no one has told me before. 

And have my own venture I call it life. 

小对话

－ 你怕死么？

－ 怕。怎么了？

－ 你不是碰到你不知道的东西都各种兴奋想进去试探一下么？

－ 那是因为我知道试探完了就算不对劲也还能出得来……

Getting Bored

Maybe because I've already repeated my favorite songs for like more than 200 times, I started scrolling down the list of Top Singles (songs) and Genius list of iTunes store now. But the more I try on hearing from them, the more I feel like... what the hell...

Why are every song sounds the same? It almost feels like I can recreate the melody of all of them out of some simple, mediocre templates. Why are the artists today so keen on repeating a same feeling again and again and again? Aren't they ever bored of it? Well, I am.

Somehow, it reminds me of the old days back in high school when I finally got sick of the peoms(lyric, more precisely) of the Song Dynasty. Back then I was crazily in love with poems. I read them; I recite them. And more than occasionally, I write them. And after being marvelled by some of the great lyrics written by people in Song Dynasty. I decided to buy a book and satiate myself with the whole world of beauty lying in that elegant rhythmic form. And then, I don't really remember if I had ever been satiated... But I was surely bored after reading some tens of them... Of all those lyrics I read, eight out of ten are about a girl or woman or... whatever, missing her long gone husband, wishing their return in some slightly different manners. And of the rest 20 percent of the lyrics I read which finally shows some real variances, half of those are still about a girl or woman or... whatever again, feeling thrilled by the company of their loving husband or mate or lover or some type of one night stand or... again, whatever. I mean, dude! I know love is a great thing and probably everybody would spent some time everyday to feel or wonder how it's like. But nine out ten lyrics are about it? And in such a similar manner? Seriously! HAVE YOU NEVER GOT BORED OF IT? Well, I was.

Or maybe, I'm just too easy to get bored... Just like now, I'm bored of writing I'm bored... After all, no matter how much more I still have to say about it, writing a thousand lines on how bored I am certainly won't really help on anything. So, about that, it might be better if I just  carry on and do something I'm not so bored with, giving myself some fresh push. Now speaking of something I'm not so bored with, what could that be...

Soliloquy

 注：偶然发现10年写的一篇……不明白我这从来不信基督的人怎么写出这样的东西来，不过稍作修改之后感觉还真不错，呵呵……

  

When I sat down in a classroom with the songs of the album The Dark Side of the Chant, some not so pleasant feelings started murmuring in me. And I felt like eager to shout them out.
 

How trembling the explosions blast
How far should the lightning thrust
How strong it takes for a heart
To merge the heaven with the dust.

How long the wind should roam
How loud should the thunder roar
How much it takes for a storm
To pure a prayer for his soar.

Dec. 20, 2010